Once upon a time, I bought a Dalek Cookie Kit. I still had the cookie cutter, and I thought, why not make Dalek-shaped gingerbread?
OK, kids, this is where it gets complicated: I had never made gingerbread before. And, as I soon realised, gingerbread is evil.
Gingerbread is a bitch. A nasty, sticky bitch. I had my trusty Dalek cookie cutter at hand but, alas, I ended up toiling away with a knife. This was when I found out about a very important aspect of gingerbread: it's got personality. Who do you think you are, trying so scrupulously to shape it? Even when I succeeded in making a piece look more or less like I wanted, it got puffed up and deformed in the oven just to show me.
Oh and the crowning moment of misery? My apparent inability of drawing with frosting.
By the time I finished carving the dozenth or so Dalek figure, I hated Daleks with the fire of a thousand suns, a million supernovae, the burning hells and the complete history of forest fires. I thought I could do with a nice and straight oblong shape. So I made TARDIS's. One thing I forgot: I didn't have a TARDIS cookie cutter for measurements. And don't even get me started on trying to write 'police box' on them with frosting.
Eventually, I got sick of Doctor Who in general. So what shall I make now? Something cool but easy-to-carve. So in the end...
Yes. The simplest thing I could think of was Jörmungandr, the World Serpent. I thought, heck, the snake-biting-its-own-tail thing is awesome and it's recently been on Doctor Who, so I'm still slightly on-topic, only more epic. After all, it's just a ring, how exactly would a ring be a complicated shape? Bollocks. Ten points to the person who finds its head.
Mother (my unwilling helper) wanted to make a Jörmungandr of her own. Unfortunately, she didn't really grasp the one important thing about it. Or perhaps she wants the world to end.
After that single attempt of cutting a ring in that sticky, evil material commonly called gingerbread, I had enough. Really enough. I am making simple shapes from now on. Something as simple as...
The Discworld. Indeed, that thing is supposed to be the Discworld. Because truly the simplest shape one can think of is that of four elephants standing on a turtle, with a world resting on their backs. In my defence, the elephants looked a lot more like elephants before their trip to the oven. Another ten points go to the person who is able to locate the Great A'Tuin's head.
OK. So far: I've tried Daleks, they were rubbish. TARDIS's? Equally as rubbish. World Serpent? Can't wait for Ragnarök, you bastard. The Discworld? Ye gods, what was I thinking?
Anyway, I still had some evil, evil gingerbread left. And I thought, hey, the Great A'Tuin wasn't so bad. For one, I didn't need the knife.
Therefore, I decided to dedicate the rest of the evil gingerbread of evil to the Great God Om and make small turtles. There's a good eating on one of those.
Yes, those are turtles. STFU.
Your motivation is: silly